It's...
It's!
No, no!
it's...
It's!
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Good evening.
Tonight we're going to take
A hard, tough, abrasive look at camel spotting.
Hello.
Hello, peter.
Now, tell me, what exactly are you doing?
Well, I'm camel spotting.
I'm spotting to see if there are any camels
That I can spot and put them down
In my camel- spotting book.
Good, and how many camels have you spotted so far?
Well, so far, peter, up to the present moment
I've spotted nearly... oh...
Nearly one.
Uh, call it none.
Fine.
And how long have you been here?
Three years.
So in three years
You've spotted no camels.
Yes, in only three years.
Uh, I tell a lie, four.
Be fair, five.
I've been camel spotting for just the seven years.
Before that, of course, I was a yeti spotter.
A yeti spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.
Oh, it was extremely interesting.
Very, very, quite...
It was dull.
Dull, dull, dull, oh, god, it was dull!
Sitting in the waterloo waiting room.
Course once you've seen one yeti you've seen them all.
And have you seen them all?
Well, I've seen one...
Well, a little one...
A picture of a... I've heard about them.
Well, now, tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?
I take its number.
Uh, camels don't have numbers.
Oh, well, you've got to know where to look.
They're on the side of the engine
Above the piston box.
What?
You've got to make sure it's not a dromedary
Cause if it's a dromedary
It goes in the dromedary book.
Well, how do you tell if it's a dromedary?
Well, a dromedary has one hump
And a camel has a refreshment car
Buffet and ticket collector.
Mr. sopwith, aren't you in fact a train spotter?
What?
Don't you in fact spot trains?
Oh, you're no fun anymore!
Oh, no, rashid, we can't go on meeting like this.
Oh, you are no fun anymore!
Oh, you're no fun anymore.
29... 30!
All right, cut him down, mr. fuller.
Oh, you're no fun anymore!
Now, look, if anybody else pinches my phrase
I'll throw them under a camel.
If you can spot one.
What?
Lady chairman, sir, shareholders
Ladies and gentlemen
I have great pleasure in announcing
That owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure
Of $12 million canadian
Plus a refund of 71/2 million deutschemarks
From the swiss branch, and in addition
Adding the debenture preference stock of 3 3/4 million
To the directors' reserve currency account
Of 71/2 million
Plus an upward expenditure margin of 11,500 lire
Due to rising capital investment of ten million pounds
This firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling.
A shilling, wilkins?
Roughly, yes, sir.
Wilkins, I am the chairman
Of a multimillion-pound corporation
And you are a very new chartered accountant.
Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake?
Well, that's very kind of you, sir
But I don't think I'm ready to be chairman yet.
Wilkins, this shilling, is it net or gross?
It's british, sir.
Has tax been paid on it?
Yes, this is after tax.
Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax
Five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.
Five pence of a further sixpence?
Yes, sir.
Five pence of a further sixpence?
That's right, sir.
Then where is the other penny?
Uh...
That makes you a penny short, wilkins.
Where is it?
Uh...
Wilkins!
I embezzled it, sir!
What, all of it?
Yes, all of it.
You naughty person!
It's my first.
Please be gentle with me.
I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty
To inform you that you're fired.
Oh, please, please.
No, out!
There's no place for sentiment
In big business!
Oh, you're no fun anymore.
I heard that! who said that?
He did! he did!
No, I didn't.
Ooh!
Right!
Here is the address to complain to:
The royal frog tramping institute
16 rayners lane, london, w.c. fields.
I'll just repeat that:
Tristram and isolde phillips
7.30 covent garden saturday near sunday
And afterwards at the inigo jones fish emporium.
And they want to put the license fee up?
And now here is a reminder
About leaving your radio on during the night.
Leave your radio on during the night.
A little joke, a little jest!
Nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen!
Now we've got some science fiction for you, some ski-fi
Something to send the shivers up your spine
Send the creepy crawlies down your lager and limes.
All the lads have contributed to it.
Here's a little number entitled, "science fiction sketch."
the universe consists of a billion billion galaxies
77 billion miles across
and every galaxy is made up of a billion zillion stars
and around these stars circle a billion planets
and of all these planets
the greenestand the pleasantest is the planet earth
in the system of sol in the galaxy known as the milky way.
and it was to this world
that creatures of an alien planet came
to conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization.
it was a da y like manyanother
and mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample
were a perfectly ordinary couple
leading perfectly ordinary lives
the sort of people
to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened.
and not the kind of people to be the center
of one of the most astounding incidents
in the history of mankind.
so let's forgetabout them...
and follow instead the destiny of this man:
harold potter, gardener and tax official
first victim of creatures from another planet.
Read all about it! read all about it!
Man turns into scotsman!
Mrs. potter, you knew mr. potter quite well, I believe.
Oh, yes, quite well, he was me husband.
Yes, and he never showed any inclination
Towards being a scotsman before this happened?
No, no, not at all.
He was not that sort of person.
He didn't wear a kilt or play the bagpipes?
No, no, no, no.
He never got drunk at night
Or brought home black puddings?
No, no, not at all.
He didn't have an inadequate brain capacity?
No, no, not at all.
I see, so by your account
Harold potter was a perfectly ordinary englishman
Without any tendency towards being a scotsman whatsoever?
Absolutely, yes.
Mind you, he did always watch dr. finlay on the television.
Aha!
Well, that's it, you see; that's how it starts.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you see, scottishness starts
With little things like that and works up.
You see, people don't just turn into a scotsman
For no reason at all.
No further questions!
Halt!
Left turn!
Charles?
Darling.
Charles?
Darling, darling.
Charles, there's something I've got to tell you.
What is it, darling?
It's daddy; he's turned into a scotsman.
What? mr. llewellyn?
Yes, charles.
Help me, please help me.
But what can I do?
Surely, charles, you're the chief scientist
At the anthropological research institute
At butley downe--
An expert in what makes people change
From one nationality to another.
So I am!
This is right up my street.
Oh, good.
Now, first of all
Why would anyone turn into a scotsman?
Um, for business reasons?
No, no, only because he has no control over his own destiny.
Look, I'll show you.
I see!
Yes, so this means that some person or persons unknown
Is turning all these people into scotsmen.
Oh, what kind of heartless fiend
Could do that to a man?
I don't know, I don't know.
All I know is that these people
Are streaming north of the border
At the rate of thousands every hour.
If we don't act fast
Scotland will be choked with scotsmen!
Ooh!
soon, scotland was full of scotsmen.
the overcrowding was pitiful.
three men to a caber.
for the few who remained
life was increasingly difficult.
Charles!
Thank goodness I've found you.
It's mummy.
Hello, mummy.
No, no, mummy's turned into a scotsman.
Oh, how horrible!
Will they stop at nothing?
I don't know.
Do you think they will?
I meant that rhetorically.
What does "rhetorically" mean?
It means I didn't expect an answer.
Oh, I see.
Oh, you're so clever, charles.
Did mummy say anything as she changed?
Yes, she did, now you come to mention it.
Well, what was it?
Oh, she said "them."
Is that someone at the door?
No, it's just the incidental music for the scene.
Oh, I see.
Them-- wait a minute!
A whole minute?
No, I meant that metaphorically.
Them... them...
She was obviously referring
To the people who turned her into a scotsman.
If only we knew who they were
And why they were doing it.
Who are "them"?
then suddenly, a clue turned up in scotland.
mr. angus podgorny, owner of a dunbar menswear shop
received an order for 48 million kilts
from the planet skyron in the galaxy of andromeda.
Angus, how are you going to get
48 million kilts into the van?
I'll have to do it in two goes.
Do you not ken that the galaxy of andromeda
Is 2,200,000 light-years away?
Is that so?
Aye, and you've never been further
Than berwick-on-tweed.
Aye.
But think of the money, dear-- £18.10 a kilt.
That's...
£900 million!
And that's without sporrans.
Aye, I think you ought not to go, angus.
Aye, we'd be able to afford writing paper
With our names on it.
We'd be able to buy that extension to the toilet.
Yeah, but he hasn't signed
The order yet, has he?
Who?
Och, the man from andromeda.
Och, well...
He wasn't really a man, do you ken?
Not really a man?
He was as strange a thing as ever I saw
Or ever I hope to see, god willing.
He were a strange, unearthly creature
A quivering, glistening mass.
Angus podgorny, what do you mean?
He wasn't so much a man as...
A blancmange!
A blancmange, eh?
Yes, that's right.
I was just having a game of doubles
With sandra and jocasta, alec and david...
Hang on.
What?
There's five.
What?
Five people-- how do you play doubles
With five people?
Ah, well, we were...
Sounds a bit funny if you ask me
Playing doubles with five people.
Well, we often play like that.
Jocasta plays on the side receiving service.
Oh, yes?
Yes, it helps to speed the game up
And make it a lot faster
And it means jocasta isn't left out.
Look, are you asking me to believe
That the five of you was playing doubles
When on the very next court
There was a blancmange playing by itself?
That's right, yes.
Well, answer me this then.
Why didn't jocasta play the blancmange at singles
While you and sandra and alec and david
Had a proper game of doubles with four people?
Because jocasta always plays with us.
She's a friend of ours.
Call that friendship?
Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles?
It's not messing it up, officer.
We like to play with five.
Look, it's your affair
If you want to play with five people
But don't go calling it doubles.
Well, no...
Look, at wimbledon-- right?
If fred stolle and tony roche
Played charlie pasarell and cliff drysdale
and peaches bartcowitz
They wouldn't go calling it doubles.
But what about the blancmange?
That could play ann haydon-jones and her husband, pip.
Oh, a blancmange gave you
An order for 48 million kilts?
Aye.
And you believed it?
Aye, I did.
Och, you're a stupid man, angus podgorny.
Oh, look, woman!
How many kilts did we sell last year?
Nine and a half, that's all.
So when I get an order for 48 million
I believe it.
You'd better believe it.
Even if it's from a blancmange?
Och, woman, if a blancmange is prepared
To come 2,200,000 light-years to purchase a kilt
He must be fairly keen on kilts.
So cease your prattling, woman, and get sewing.
This could be the biggest breakthrough in kilts
Since the provost of edinburgh sat on a spike.
Mary, we'll be rich, we'll be rich.
Oh, but, angus, he hasn't even given you
An earnest of his good faith.
Ah, maybe not, but he has give me this.
Och, what is it now?
An entry form for the british open tennis championships
At wimbledon toon, signed and seconded.
Och, but, angus
You ken full well that scotsfolk
Don't know how to play the tennis
To save their lives.
Aye, but I must go, though, dear.
I didn't want to seem ungrateful.
Och, angus, I will not let you
Make a fool of yourself.
But I must.
Och, no, you'll not.
Oh, mary, mary.
Mary, look out! look out!
It's the blancmange!
Oh, now this is
Where mr. podgorny could have saved his wife's life.
If he'd gone to the police and told them
That he'd been approached by unearthly beings
From the galaxy of andromeda
We'd have sent a man round to investigate.
As it was, he did a deal with a blancmange
And the blancmange ate his wife.
So if you're going out or going on holiday
Or anything strange happens involving other galaxies
Just nip round to your local police station
And tell the sergeant on duty, or his wife
Of your suspicions.
And the same goes for dogs.
So I'm sorry to have interrupted
Your exciting science fiction story
But then, crime's our business, you know
So carry on viewing, and my thanks to the bbc
For allowing me to have this little chat with you.
Good night, god bless, look after yourselves.
Do sit down, mr. podgorny.
I... I think what's happened is
Terribly, terribly funny...
Tragic.
You must understand that we have to catch
The creature that ate your wife.
And if you could just help us answer a few questions
We may be able to help save a few lives.
I know this is the way
Your wife would have wanted it.
Aye.
I'll do my best, sergeant.
Detective inspector.
Now then, the facts are these:
You received an order for 48 million kilts
From a blancmange from the planet skyron
In the galaxy of andromeda;
You'd just shown your wife
An entry form for wimbledon which you'd filled in
When you turned round
And saw her legs disappearing into a blancmange.
Is that correct?
Yes, sir.
Are you mad?
No, sir.
Well, that's a relief.
Because if you were
Your story would be less plausible.
Now then, do you recognize this?
Oh, yes!
That's the one that ate my mary.
Good.
His name's riley... jack riley.
He's that most rare of criminals--
A blancmange impersonator and cannibal.
What about the 48 million kilts
And the galaxy of andromeda?
I'm afraid that's just one of his stories.
You must understand
That a blancmange impersonator and cannibal
Has to use some pretty clever stories
To allay suspicion.
Then you mean...
Yes. but...
Yes. how?
Well... not...
Why? I'm afraid so.
Who knows? do you think...
But... could be.
I know. she was...
Yes.
Good lord, what's that?
Ah, riley!
Come to give yourself up, have you, riley?
Eh, riley?
Riley? riley?
It's not riley.
It's an extraterrestrial being.
So everyone in england
Is being turned into scotsmen, right?
Yes.
Now, which is the worst tennis-playing nation
In the world?
Um... australia.
No, try again.
Australia?
No, try again but say a different place.
I thought you meant I said it badly.
No, of course you didn't say it badly-- now, hurry!
Um... czechoslovakia?
No, scotland!
Of course.
Now... now, these blancmanges
Apart from the one that killed mrs. podgorny
Have all appeared in which london suburb?
Finchley.
No, wimbledon!
Now do you begin to see the pattern?
With what sport is wimbledon commonly associated?
for viewers at home
the answer is coming up on your screens.
those of you who wish to play it the hard way
stand upside down
with your head in a bucket of piranha fish.
here is the question once again:
With what sport is wimbledon commonly associated?
Cricket.
No.
Pelote?
No, wimbledon is most commonly associated with tennis.
Of course, now I see.
Yes, it all falls into place.
The blancmanges are really australians
Trying to get the rights of the pelote rules
From the czech publishers.
No, not quite, but just look in here.
Yes... so these blancmanges... blancmange-shaped creatures
Come from the planet skyron in the galaxy of andromeda;
They order 48 million kilts from a scottish menswear shop;
Turn the population of england into scotsmen--
Well-known as the worst tennis- playing nation on earth;
Thus leaving england empty during wimbledon fortnight.
Empty during wimbledon fortnight.
What's more, the papers are full of reports of blancmanges
Appearing on tennis courts up and down the country...
Practicing.
This can only mean one thing!
They mean to win wimbledon!
Well, here at wimbledon
It's been a most extraordinary week's tennis.
The blancmanges have swept the board
Winning match after match.
Here are just a few of the results:
Billie jean king eaten in straight sets;
Laver smothered whole after winning the first set;
And pancho gonzales, serving as well as I've ever seen him
With some superb volleys
And decisive return volleys off the backhand
Was sucked through the net at match point
And swallowed whole in just under two minutes.
And so here on the final day
There seems to be no players left
To challenge the blancmanges.
And this could be their undoing, dan
As the rules of wimbledon state quite clearly
That there must be
At least one human being concerned in the final.
Well, the blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now
And there's a human with it.
It's angus podgorny, the plucky little scottish tailor
Upon whom everything depends.
And so it's podgorny versus blancmange
In this first-ever intergalactic wimbledon.
And it's blancmange to serve...
And it's a good one!
15 - love.
And podgorny fails to even hit the ball.
But this is no surprise
As he hasn't hit the ball once throughout this match.
So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now.
Podgorny prepares to serve again.
This is indeed a grim day for the human race, dan.
But what's this?
Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch
With spoons and forks.
What are they going to do?
They mean to eat the blancmange.
And they're eating the blancmange!
Yes, the blancmange is leaving the court.
It's abandoning the game.
This is fantastic!
Mmm... mmm...
yes, it was mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample
who, after only a brief and misleading appearance
in the early part of the film, return to sa ve the earth.
but why?
Oh, well, you see, we love blancmanges.
My wife makes them.
she makes blancmanges that size?
Oh, yes, you see, we're from the planet skyron
In the galaxy of andromeda
And they're all that size there.
We tried to tell you
At the beginning of the film
But you just panned off us.
so the world was saved
and angus podgorny became the first scotsman
to win wimbledon... 15 years later.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Speaking as a public opinion poll
I've had enough of the permissive society.
I haven't had enough of the permissive society.
I would not appear in a frontal nude scene unless it was valid.
In 1943, a group of british army officers
Working deep behind enemy lines
Carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids
In the history of warfare.
But that's as may be.
And now...
Come in.
What do you want?
I'd like to leave the army, please, sir.
Good heavens, man, why?
It's dangerous.
What?
There are people with guns
Out there, sir.
What?
Real guns, sir, not toy ones, sir.
Proper ones, sir.
They've all got 'em, all of 'em, sir.
And some of 'em
Have got tanks.
Watkins, they are on our side.
And grenades, sir, and machine guns, sir.
So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
I know, sir, but people get killed, properly dead, sir
No barley, cross fingers, sir.
A bloke was telling me
If you're in the army and there's a war
You have to go and fight.
That's true.
Well, I mean... blimey
I mean, if it was a big war
Somebody could be hurt.
Watkins, why did you join the army?
For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir.
And not for the killing, sir.
I asked them to put it
On my form, sir-- "no killing."
Watkins, are you a pacifist?
No, sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir, I'm a coward.
That's a very silly line.
Sit down.
Yes, sir, it's silly, sir.
Awfully bad.
Two civilian gentlemen to see you, sir!
Show them in, please, sergeant.
Mr. dino vercotti and mr. luigi vercotti!
Good morning, colonel.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Now, what can i do for you?
You've, uh...
You've got a nice
Army base here, colonel.
Yes.
We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.
What?
Oh, no, what my brother means
Is it would be a shame if, uh...
Oh, sorry, colonel.
Well, don't worry about that, but please do sit down.
No, we prefer to stand, thank you, colonel.
All right, but what do you want?
Oh, what do we want?
Very good, colonel.
Always the joker, luigi.
Explain it to the colonel, dino.
How many tanks you got, colonel?
About 500 altogether.
500, eh?
You ought to be careful, colonel.
We are careful, extremely careful.
'cause things break, don't they?
Break?
Well, everything breaks, don't it, colonel?
Oh, dear.
Oh, see, my brother's clumsy, colonel
And when he gets unhappy he breaks things.
Like, say he don't feel
The army's playing fair by him
He may start breaking things, colonel.
What is all this about?
How many men you got here, colonel?
Oh, uh... 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery
And, uh... two divisions of paratroops.
Paratroops, dino.
It'd be a shame
If someone was to set fire to them.
Set fire to them?
Fires happen, colonel.
Things burn.
Look, what is all this about?
My brother and i have got
A little proposition for you, colonel.
Could save you a lot of bother.
You're doing all right here
Aren't you, colonel?
Well, suppose
Some of your tanks was to get broken
Or troops started getting lost, uh...
Fights started breaking out
During general inspection, like?
It wouldn't be good for business
Would it, colonel?
Are you threatening me?
Oh, no, no, no.
Whatever made you think that, colonel?
The colonel doesn't think
We're nice people, luigi.
We're your buddies, colonel.
We want to look after you.
Look after me?
We can guarantee you
That not a single armored division
Will get done over...
For 15 bob a week.
No, no... 12 and six?
No, no... eight and six?
No, no... five bob?
No, no, this is silly.
What's silly?
No, the whole premise is silly
And it's very badly written.
I'm the senior officer here
And I haven't had a funny line yet
So I'm stopping it.
You can't do that!
I've done it. the sketch is over.
I want to leave the army
Please, sir, it's dangerous.
Look, I stopped your sketch
Five minutes ago, so get out of shot.
Right, director!
Close up.
Zoom in on me.
That's better.
It's only 'cause you couldn't think of a punch line.
Not true, not true.
It's time for the cartoon.
Cue telecine-- ten, nine, eight...
Our general public's not going to understand this, are they?
Shut up, you eyeties!
Ooh, what the devil's going on here?
Hey! hey, what's going...
What's happening here?
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, oh, hey, stop that!
Well, ladies and gents
Here it is, the show you've been wanking for
The show you've heard so much about.
This is the show that gives you what you want
The way you like it.
So move right up front for "full frontal nudity."
Excuse me...
Will you sit down!
I'm sorry.
A cold ice cream, sweetie?
Sit down!
The owner of the vehicle with this license registration
Will please move it; it's causing an obstruction.
Wasn't that just great, ladies and germs?
Admittedly, a few problems, a few disappointments...
Shut up, you pansy.
I paid for full frontal nudity
And I'm going to get some.
Ta ta, sailor.
Full frontal nudity? never.
What do you think, barbara?
Oh, no, no, no...
Unless it was artistically valid, of course.
Full frontal nudity?
Yes, I'd do it, if it was valid.
Or if the money was valid, and if it were a small part.
Good evening.
I'd like to talk to you tonight
About the place of the nude in my bed...
Um...
In the history of my bed...
Of art... art-- I'm sorry.
The place of the nude in the history of tart...
Call-girl-- I'm sorry.
I'll start again.
Bum-- oh, what a giveaway!
The place of the nude in art.
Oh, hello there, father, uh... confessor, professor
Your honor, your grace...
I'm not your grace, I'm your elsie.
What a terrible joke!
But it's my only line!
We want to buy a bed, please.
Oh, certainly.
I'll get someone to attend to you.
Mr. verity!
Can I help you, sir?
Ah, yes, we'd like to buy a bed...
A double bed, about £50.
Oh, no, I am afraid not, sir.
Our cheapest bed is £800, sir.
Eight hundred pounds!
Oh, uh... perhaps I should have explained.
Mr. verity does tend to exaggerate
So every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
Otherwise he's perfectly all right, perfectly.
Oh, I see.
I see-- so your cheapest bed is £80?
£800, yes, sir.
And how wide is it?
Uh... the width is, uh... 60 feet wide.
Oh... six foot wide, eh?
And the length?
The length is, um...
Lambert?
Hmm?
What is the length of the comfydown majorette?
Uh... two foot long.
Two foot long?
Ah, yes, you have to remember, of course
To multiply everything mr. lambert says by three.
Uh... it's nothing he can help, you understand.
Apart from that he's perfectly all right.
I see, I'm sorry.
But it does mean
That when he says a bed is two foot wide
It is, in fact, 60 feet wide.
Oh, yes, I see...
And that's not counting the mattress.
Oh, how much is that?
Lambert will be able to help you there.
Lambert?
Hmm?
Will you show these 20 good people
The, uh... dog kennel please?
Certainly.
Dog kennel? no, no, no.
Mattresses, mattresses.
Oh, no, no, you have to say
"dog kennel" to mr. lambert
Because if you say "mattress," he puts a bag over his head.
I should have explained.
Apart from that he's really all right.
Uh... um, uh, we'd like to see the dog kennels, please.
Dog kennels?
Yes, we want to see the dog kennels.
Ah, yes, well, that's the pets department, second floor.
Oh, no, no, we want to see the dog kennels.
Yes, pets department, second floor.
No, no, no, we don't really want to see dog kennels
Only your colleague said we ought to...
Oh, dear, what's he been telling you now?
Well, he said we should say
"dog kennels" to you instead of "mattress."
Oh, dear, hello, hello?
Did you say "mattress"?
Well, a little, yes.
I did ask you not to say "mattress," didn't i?
Now I've got to stand in the tea chest.
And did those feet in ancient times
Walk upon england's mountains green...
Did somebody say "mattress" to mr. lambert?
And was the holy lamb of god
On england's pleasant...
He should be all right now.
But don't... you know, just don't.
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh...
We'd like to see the dog kennels, please.
Yes, second floor.
No, no, look, these dog kennels here, see?
Mattresses?
Oh, yes!
Well, if you meant mattress, why didn't you say "mattress"?
I mean, it's very confusing for me
If you go and say "dog kennels" when you mean "mattress."
Why not just say "mattress"?
Well, I mean you put a bag over your head
Last time I said "mattress."
Bring me my bow of burning gold
Bring me my arrows of desire
Bring me my spear...
Did somebody say "mattress" to mr. lambert?
Twice.
Hey, everybody
Somebody said "mattress" to mr. lambert twice!
I shall not cease from mental strife
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand...
We need more!
On england's green and pleasant...
Now, uh... can I help you?
We want a mattress.
Oh, what did you say that for?
But it's my only line!
Well, you didn't have to say it.
Full frontal nudity?
Not in this part of esher.
I would only perform a scene
In which there was total frontal nudity.
Now, I've noticed a tendency
For this program to get rather silly.
Now, I do my best to keep things moving along
But I'm not having things getting silly.
Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed
And that last one about the bed was even sillier.
Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do
Except perhaps my wife... and some of her friends.
Oh, yes, and captain johnson.
Come to think of it
Most people like a good laugh more than I do
But that's beside the point.
Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy outdoor sketch.
Get some air into your lungs.
Ten, nine, eight and all that.
ah, yes, that's better.
now, let's hope this doesn't get silly.
Hello, are you a hermit by any chance?
Yes, that's right.
Are you a hermit?
Yes, I certainly am.
Well, I never.
What are you getting away from?
Oh, you know, the usual--
People, chat, gossip, you know.
Oh, I certainly do; it was the same with me.
I mean, there comes a time when you realize there's no good
Frittering your life away
In idleness and trivial chitchat.
Where's your cave?
Oh, up the goat track, first on the left.
Oh, they're very nice up there, aren't they?
Yes, they are, I've got a beauty.
A bit drafty, though, aren't they?
No, we've had ours insulated.
Oh, yes?
Yes, I used birds' nests, moss
And oak leaves round the outside.
Oh, sounds marvelous.
Oh, it's a treat, it really is
'cause otherwise, those stone caves can be so grim.
Yes, they really can be, can't they?
They really can.
Morning, frank.
Uh, morning, norman.
Talking of moss, uh, you know mr. robinson?
With the, uh, green loincloth?
Uh, no, that's mr. seagrave.
Mr. robinson's the hermit
Who lodges with mr. seagrave.
Oh, yes.
Yes, well, he's put me onto wattles.
Really?
Yes. swears by them.
Morning, frank.
Morning, lionel.
Well, he says that moss tends to fall off the cave wall
During cold weather.
You know, you might get a really bad spell
And half the moss drops off the cave wall
Leaving you cold.
Oh, well, mr. robinson's cave
Has never been exactly nirvana, has it?
Well, quite, that's what I mean.
Anyway, mr. rogers, he's the, uh, hermit...
On the end.
Up at the top, yes.
Well, he tried wattles
And he came out in a rash.
Really?
Yes, and there's me with half a wall wattled.
I mean, what'll I do?
Well, why don't you try birds' nests
Like I've done?
Or else dead bracken.
Frank!
Yes, han.
Can I borrow your goat?
Uh, yes, that'll be all right.
Oh, leave me a pint for breakfast, will you?
You know, that's the trouble
With living halfway up a cliff--
You feel so cut off.
You know, it takes me two hours every morning
To get out onto the moors
Collect my berries, chastise myself
And two hours back in the evening.
Still, there's one thing about being a hermit--
At least you meet people.
Oh, yes, i wouldn't go back
To public relations.
Oh, well, bye for now, frank. must toddle.
Right, you two hermits
Stop that sketch.
I think it's silly.
Go on, stop it, it's silly.
What do you mean? you can't stop it; it's on film.
That doesn't make any difference
To the viewer at home, does it?
Go on, get out.
Get off, go on, all of you.
Go on, move, move!
Go on, get out.
move, move.
Move, move!
Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
Hello? miss?
What do you mean "miss"?
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.
I wish to make a complaint.
Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Never mind that, my lad
I wish to complain
About this parrot what I purchased
Not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Oh, yes, the norwegian blue. what's wrong with it?
I'll tell you what's wrong with it.
It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
No, no, it's resting, look.
Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one
And I'm looking at one right now.
No, no, sir, it's not dead, it's resting.
Resting?
Yeah, remarkable bird, the norwegian blue
Beautiful plumage, isn't it?
The plumage don't enter into it-- it's stone dead.
No, no, it's resting.
All right, then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up.
Hello, polly!
I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up
Polly parrot!
There, it moved.
No, it didn't.
That was you pushing the cage.
I did not!
Yes, you did.
Hello, polly!
Polly!
Polly parrot, wake up!
Polly!
Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.
No, no, it's stunned.
Look, my lad, I've had
Just about enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased.
And when I bought it not half an hour ago
You assured me that its lack of movement
Was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Well, sir...
It's probably pining for the fjords.
"pining for the fjords"?
What kind of talk is that?
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
The moment I got it home?
The norwegian blue prefers kipping on its back.
It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
And I discovered that the only reason
That it had been sitting on its perch in the first place
Was that it had been nailed there.
Well, of course it was nailed there.
Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and... voom!
Look, matey...
This parrot wouldn't voom
If I put 4,000 volts through it.
It's bleeding demised.
It's not, it's pining.
It's not pining, it's passed on.
This parrot is no more.
It has ceased to be.
It's expired and gone to meet its maker.
This is a late parrot.
It's a stiff.
Bereft of life, it rests in peace.
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch
It would be pushing up the daisies.
It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
This is an ex-parrot.
Well, I'd better replace it, then.
If you want to get anything done in this country
You've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Sorry, guv, we're right out of parrots.
I see, I see, I get the picture.
I've got a slug.
Does it talk?
Not really, no.
Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it?
Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what
If you go to my brother's pet shop in bolton
He'll replace your parrot for you.
Bolton, eh?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, excuse me.
This is bolton, is it?
No, no, it's, uh, ipswich.
That's inter-city rail for you.
I wish to make a complaint.
I don't have to do this, you know.
I beg your pardon?
I'm a qualified brain surgeon.
I only do this because I like being me own boss.
Uh, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, it's not easy
To pad these out to 30 minutes.
Well, I wish to make a complaint.
I got on the bolton train
And found myself deposited here in ipswich.
No, this is bolton.
The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
Well, you can't blame british rail for that.
If this is bolton
I shall return to the pet shop.
I understand that this is bolton.
Yeah.
Well, you told me it was ipswich.
It was a pun.
A pun?
No, no, not a pun, no.
What's the other thing which reads the same backwards
As forwards?
A palindrome?
Yeah, yeah.
It's not a palindrome.
The palindrome of bolton would be "notlob."
It don't work.
Look, what do you want?
No, I'm sorry.
I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further
As I think this is getting too silly.
Quite agree, quite agree.
Silly, silly, silly.
Right, get on with it.
Get on with it!
Oh... uh... oh, I'm sorry.
Uh... and now, um...
Frontal nudity.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I thought the film was longer.
Uh... uh, now, notlob... uh, bolton.
This is a frightened city.
Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear
Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city.
Yes, gangs of old ladies
Attacking defenseless, fit young men.
Take that!
Well, they come up to you, like, and push you, you know
Shove you off the pavement, like.
There's usually four or five of them.
Yeah, this... this used to be a nice neighborhood
Before the old ladies started moving in.
Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops.
Well, mr. johnson's son kevin, he don't go out anymore.
He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room.
What are they in it for
These old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?
Well, it... it's something to do, isn't it?
It's good fun.
It's... it's like, uh... you know...
Well, isn't it, eh?
Favorite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.
Well, come on, come on, off with you.
Clear out, come on, get out of it.
We have a lot of trouble with these oldies.
Pension day's the worst-- they go mad.
As soon as they get their hands on their money
They blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
Well, yes, well, of course, come the 2:00 matinee
All the old bags are in there
Especially if it's something like the sound of music.
We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken
All that sort of thing.
The whole problem of these senile delinquents
Lies in their complete rejection
Of the values of contemporary society.
They've seen their children grow up and become accountants
Stockbrokers and even sociologists
And they begin to wonder, is it all really...
Oh, well, we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way
For what our gran's become.
I mean, she used to be quite happy here
Until she... she started on the crochet.
Crochet?
Yeah, now she can't do without it.
20 balls of wool a day, sometimes.
If she can't get the wool, she gets violent.
What can we do about it?
But this is not just an old ladies' town.
There are other equally dangerous gangs
Such as the baby snatchers.
I just left my husband outside here
While I went in to do some shopping
And I came back and he was gone.
He was only 47.
And on the roads, too, vicious gangs of "keep left" signs.
Right, right, stop it.
This film's got silly.
Started off with a nice little idea
About grannies attacking young men
But now it's got silly.
This man's hair is too long for a vicar, too.
These signs are pretty badly made.
Right, now for a complete change of mood.
I've heard of unisex but I've never had it.
David hemmings appeared
By permission of the national forestry commission.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
senores, senoras y senoritas, buenas noches.
esta noche presentamos con mucho gusto
informacion interesante acerca de la llama.
la llama!
Ay-ya!
amazonas!
Pa-pa-pa!
ole!
cuidado, llamas!
cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, cuidado las llamas.
ole!
Fine.
Okay.
And now for something completely different:
A man with a tape recorder up his nose.
And now for something completely different:
The office of sir george head, o.b.e.
Next, please.
Ah, one at a time, please.
There is only me, sir.
So there is.
Ah, take a, um...
Seat?
Seat, seat-- take a seat.
So, you want to join
My mountaineering expedition, do you?
Me, sir?
Yes.
Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Jolly good, jolly good.
And how about you?
There is only me, sir.
Well, bang goes his application then.
Now, let me fill you in.
I'm leading this expedition
And we're going to climb
Both peaks of mount kiliman jaro.
I thought there was only one peak, sir.
Well, that'll save a bit of time.
Well, then.
Now, the object of this expedition is
To see if we can find
Any traces of last year's expedition.
Last year's expedition?
Yes, my brother was leading that.
They were going to build
A bridge between the two peaks.
My idea, I'm afraid.
Now, I ought to tell you
That I have practically everyone
That I need for this expedition.
So what special qualifications do you have?
Well, sir...
Yes, you first.
There is only me, sir.
I wasn't talking to you.
Carry on.
Well, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
Mountaineer?
Mound... mountain...
A mountaineer:
Two men skilled in climbing mountains.
Jolly good, well, you're in.
Congratulations.
Both of you.
Now, what are your names?
Arthur wilson.
Arthur wilson, right.
Well, look, I'll call you arthur wilson one
And you arthur wilson two
Just to avoid confusion.
Are you actually leading this expedition, sir?
Yes, we are leading
This expedition to africa.
And what routes will you both be taking?
Good questions.
Shall i?
Fine.
Well, we'll be leaving on january 22
And taking the following routes:
The a23s through purleys
Down onto the main roads near purbrights--
Avoiding leatherheads-- and then taking the a231s
Entering rottingdeans from the north.
From rottingdeans, we go through africa to nairobis.
We take the south road out of nairobis
For about 12 miles and then ask.
Does anyone speak swahili, sir?
Oh, yes, I think most of them do down there.
Does anyone in our party speak swahili, sir?
Well, matron's got a smattering.
Apart from the two matrons...
Good god, i forgot about her.
Apart from them, who else is coming
On the expedition, sir?
Well, we've got the arthur brown twins
Two botanists called machin
The william johnston brothers...
Two of them.
No, four of them--
Pair of identical twins.
And a couple of the ken spinoza quads.
The other two pulled out.
And, of course, you two.
And none of these are mountaineers?
Well, you two are.
And we've got a brace of guides
Called jimmy blenkinsop
Because kiliman jaro's a pretty tricky climb, you know.
Most of it's up
Till you reach the very, very top
And then it tends to slope away rather sharply.
But jimmy's put his heads together
And worked out a way up-- jimmy?
I don't believe you've met.
Jimmy blenkinsop, arthur wilson.
Arthur wilson, jimmy blenkinsop.
Arthur wilson two, jimmy blenkinsop one.
Jimmy blenkinsop one, arthur wilson two.
Carry on, jimmys.
Don't worry about the, uh...
We'll get him up somehow.
Now, the approach to kiliman jaro
Is, quite simply, over the foothills.
And then we go on after that
Up to set a base camp
Somewhere in the region of the bottom of the glacier
When after the glacier we'll find...
And of course, we have this rather difficult climb...
You'll be leading the first assault.
Well, I'm afraid I shan't be coming
On your expedition, sir
As I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
Oh dear.
Well, how about you?
Well, I'm game, sir.
So are we.
And now for something completely different:
A man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
Thank you, thank you.
Have you ever considered the advantages
Of owning a really fine set of encyclopedias?
For only ten shillings.
George...
Louise, I told you never to call me at the office.
Congratulations, sir.
You've just one this lovely cupie doll.
Get off!
And get a haircut, you pansy!
Morning.
Ah, morning sir, morning, morning.
I'll b-b-be with you in a minute.
Oh, fine, fine.
Um, how... how do you like it, sir?
Just short back and sides, please.
How do you do that?
Just ordinary short back and sides.
It's not a, um, a razor cut...
Razor razor razor razor cut!
Blood spurt artery murder!
Oh, thank god, thank god.
It's just, uh... scissors.
Yes, yes.
You wouldn't rather have it just combed, would you, sir?
I beg your pardon?
You wouldn't rather forget all about it?
No, no, no, I want it cut.
Cut cut cut cut cut cut!
Blood spurt artery murder!
Hitchcock psycho blood damn it!
Right, so I'll get e-e-everything ready.
In the meantime
Perhaps you'd fill in one of these.
All right, fine, yes.
Excuse me.
What?
Where it says "next of kin"
Should i put "mother"?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
There we are.
Thank you.
Right.
Ha ha.
There. finished.
I finished cutting cutting
Cutting cutting cutting cutting cutting your hair.
It's all done.
You haven't started cutting it.
I have.
I did it very quickly, your honor...
Sir... sir, sir, sir.
Look here, old fellow.
I know when a chap's cut my hair
And when he hasn't
So will you please stop fooling around
And get on with it?
Yes... yes, I will, sir.
I'm going to cut your hair, sir.
I'm going to start cutting your hair, sir.
Start cutting-- now.
Nice day, sir.
Yes, flowers could do with a drop of rain there.
You see the match last night, sir?
Yeah, good game, I thought.
I thought hurst played well, sir.
Beg your pardon?
I thought hurst played well.
Oh, yes, only one who did, though.
Can you put your head down a little, sir?
Oh, sorry.
I prefer to watch palace nowadays.
Oh, sorry, was that your ear?
No, no, didn't feel a thing.
Hey! what's going on?
Yes, it is a nice sport, isn't it?
It looks very nice, sir.
It's exactly the same as when I first came in.
All right!
All right, I confess
I haven't cut your hair.
I hate cutting hair.
I have this terrible un-un-un-uncontrollable fear
Whenever I see hair.
When I was a kid
I used to hate the sight of hair being cut.
My mother said I was a fool.
She said the only way to cure it
Was become a barber.
So I spent five ghastly years
In the hairdresser's training center at totnes.
Can you imagine what it's like--
Cutting the same head for five years!?
I didn't want to be a barber anyway.
I wanted to be a lumberjack.
Leaping from tree to tree
As they float down the mighty rivers of british columbia.
The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine.
The smell of fresh-cut timber!
The crash of mighty trees!
With my best girlie by my side.
We'd sing... sing... sing!
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night, I work all day
he's a lumberjack and he's oka y
he sleeps all night and he works all da y.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory
On wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea.
he cuts down trees, he eats his lunch
he goes to the la vatory
on wednesda ys he goes shopping
and has buttered scones for tea.
he's a lumberjack and he's oka y
he sleeps all night and he works all da y.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
he cuts down trees, he skips and jumps
he likes to press wild flowers
he puts on women's clothing
and hangs around in bars?
he's a lumberjack and he's oka y
he sleeps all night
and he works all da y.
I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear mama.
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels...
Suspenders and a bra
A bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear mama.
Oh, bevis!
And I thought you were so rugged.
"dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms
"about the song which you have just broadcast
"about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes.
"many of my best friends are lumberjacks
And only a few of them are transvestites."
"yours faithfully
Brigadier sir charles arthur strong (mrs.)."
P.s. I have never kissed the editor of the radio times.
Well, I object to all this sex on the television.
I mean, I keep falling off.
Well, I think television's killed real entertainment.
In the old days, we used to make our own fun.
At christmas parties
I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly
With blunt instruments, while crooning.
Only make-believe
I love you.
Only make-believe
That you love me.
Oh! ow!
Others find peace of mind...
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
And welcome to the refreshment room here at bletchley.
My name is kenny lust and I'm your compere for tonight.
You know, once in a while, it is my pleasure and my privilege
To welcome here at the refreshment room
Some of the truly great international artists
Of our time.
And tonight we have one such artist.
Ladies and gentlemen
Someone whom I've always personally admired
Perhaps more deeply, more strongly
More abjectly than any other performer...
A man... well, more than a man, a god...
A great god whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful
That my feeble words of welcome sound
Wretchedly and pathetically inadequate.
Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean
Until holes wore through my tongue.
A man who is so totally and utterly wonderful
That I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth
Than dare tread on the same stage with him.
Ladies and gentlemen
The incomparably superior human being, harry fink.
He can't come.
Never mind.
He's not all he's cracked up to be.
Ladies and gentlemen
We give you ken buddha and his inflatable knees.
Ken buddha, a smile, two bangs and a religion.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, for your further entertainment
Brian islam and brucie.
So, anyway, I became a barber.
Oh, poor chap.
Yes, pity, really.
I always preferred the outdoor life--
Hunting, shooting, fishing
Getting out there with a gun
Slaughtering a few of god's creatures.
That was the life.
Charging about the moorland
Blasting their heads off.
I'm sorry, we don't need you this week.
And now for something completely different.
Would you... would you mind terribly
If... if I held your hand?
Oh! oh, no, not at all.
Oh, iris, you're so very beautiful.
Oh! oh, do you really mean that?
I do, I do, I do.
I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
Oh, victor!
Huh! silly, isn't it?
No! no, not at all
Dear, sweet victor.
No, I didn't mean that.
Only just us being so close together
For so many months in the soft-toy department
And yet never daring to...
Oh! oh, victor!
Oh, iris!
Who can that be?
Oh, well, you try and get rid of them.
Yes, I will, I will, yes.
Won't be a moment.
I'll get rid of them.
Hello!
Hello?
Remember me?
Oh, no, I'm...
In the pub-- the tall, thin one
With the mustache, remember?
No, I'm afraid...
About three years ago.
No, I don't, I'm afraid.
Oh, blimey, it's dark in here.
That's better.
Only you said we must have a drink together sometime
So I thought I'd take you up on it
As the film society meeting was canceled this evening.
Yes, but, look, to be frank
It is a little awkward this evening.
Hello, I'm arthur, arthur name.
Name by name but not by nature.
I always say that, don't i, vicky boy?
Really?
Is that your wife?
Uh, no, actually, but...
Oh, I get the picture.
Eh? well, don't worry about me, vicky boy.
I know all about one-night stands.
I beg your pardon!
Mind if I change the record?
No, look, look, we put that on.
Oh, here's a good one.
I heard it in a pub.
What's brown...
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
I beg your pardon?
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
That's a good one, that one.
I like that one.
There, I won't keep you long.
Oh, that's better.
Now, don't worry about me.
I'll wait here till you've finished.
Who the hell is that?
Oh, I'll get it.
It'll be friends of mine.
I took the liberty of inviting them along.
Look, we were hoping to have
A quiet evening on our own.
Oh, they won't mind.
They're very broad-minded.
Hello!
Good evening.
Oh, good evening.
My name is equator, brian equator.
Like round the middle of the earth
Only with an "l."
This is my wife, audrey.
She smells a bit, but she has a heart of gold.
Well, there must have been some kind of misunderstanding
Because this is not the...
Oh, who's that then?
What?
Who's the bird?
Well, I mean...
You got a nice pair there, haven't you, love?
Come on, give us a kiss.
Shut up, you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.
Now, look here.
Big gin, please.
I'll get it!
Look, leave those drinks alone.
And three tins of beans for me, please.
I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!
I only want three cans!
Button your lip, you rat-bag!
It was rather witty, wasn't it?
Where's my gin?
Who the hell's that?
Oh, why, uh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along
As his wife has just passed away and he's somewhat distraught
Poor chap.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, my god, what a simply ghastly place!
It's not too good, is it?
A pint of creme de menthe for my friend.
Well, how are you, you great poof?
Bit lumpy.
Ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat.
I brought along this simply gorgeous little man
I picked up at the odeon.
Is he sexy, then?
I had to bring the goat and he's not well.
I only hope he don't go on the carpet.
Come on, then, love, drop them.
Blimey, she don't go much, do she?
Oh! I wet them.
The goat's... goat's done a bundle.
Nice to see you.
Look, get out, all of you.
Go on, get out! get out! get out!
I beg your pardon?
I'm turning you all out.
I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts.
Now, look, I'm giving just half a minute.
Then I'm going to call the police, so get out.
I don't much like the tone of your voice.
Right, let's have a ding dong.
Ding dong! merrily on high
In heav'n the bells are ringing...
Ding dong! verily the sky
Is riv'n with angels singing
Glor-or-or-ia
Hosanna in excelsis.
cuida...
cuidado llamas!